Waking the inner witch or even initiating into witchcraft as a practice (spiritual or otherwise) has been the best decision I have ever made. I say “decision” because it seems to be one of either embracing our own unique power or rejecting it entirely. What is hard to grasp here is the weight of such a decision. In fact, the heaviness of our choice and its impact is rarely discussed.
Have you ever wondered why?
- Why is it hard to grasp?
- Why aren’t we talking about it?
- Why is it considered heavy?
Having lived through making my own choice and guiding many others to the crossroads of their own choice, I can say for certain that each of us arrive at it differently. We stand looking back at where we have been, with a choice before us. We can choose to awaken ourselves to what we are really made of or to continue with the status quo and see where those bootstraps take us. The heaviness starts here, it is this choice that comes with a cost. It is a cost, no matter what we decide, that will be paid in full either now or later. It comes for us all.
This concept can be hard to grasp because each person has their own lived experience of this choice. We sometimes don’t even recognize that we have made that choice until years after we made it because it is like a sea, no, a TIDAL WAVE of absolute chaos, wherein we find a place of pure power that sits with us when we are in the deepest depths.
We feel like we are drowning, but we are learning.
We feel like we are going nowhere quickly and yet the waves are pushing us so fast that we cannot tell the miles of landscape we cover each time we close our eyes and hear the Goddess whispering her lullabies.
Why aren’t we talking about it?
We are. Right now. However, it can be uncomfortable to be vulnerable about something that is unbelievably personal. If we know that each of us arrives at this crossroads and our lived experiences will dictate the costs associated with making a choice (no matter which one we make), then it means when we speak about it we are also speaking the truth of our lived experiences that brought us here. That can be scary to share, and this fear is relatable because vulnerability has been passed off as weakness and those who display weakness are frowned upon.
Why is it so heavy?
If you have made the choice, you know why. If you are at the crossroads staring out in both directions and feel stuck about making a choice, know this: if you choose to awaken the witch, to awaken within, there is no going back to sleep. You can’t unsee what you have seen, unfeel, or unknow what you know now. You may be able to ignore it for a bit, but the choice is made. You will find that the power you have awakened within is a force unlike any other and even when you close your eyes it is going to rise to the surface and change your life. Even when you try to sit still. Even when you try to keep things exactly as they are. You will feel it upon your shoulders, and you will know that change is imminent. It is the cost we all pay. Sometimes it is all at once (I have lived this):
- Loss of friendships
- End of marriage
- Loss of home or living arrangement
- Loss of job or inability to work
- Health concerns
It feels like the entire world is burning down and it is so heavy, so full of “this absolutely sucks” but what no one speaks about here is that after all the great fires, there is this rebuilding and growth that happens. This is what we own. It is our power to grow and create the life we are passionate about. If you feel like the flames are licking your feet right now, blow them a kiss. You fucking got this!
Sometimes, we burn it down ourselves. Slowly. Methodically. We make the choice and begin the work and things start to change. We awaken and we begin to understand the vastness of the spiral that we walk upon. We see where we are bound, and we begin to unhook ourselves from the web we have built. One day, we look around and see the pieces of our lives that no longer fit who we are and who we are becoming. We slowly distance ourselves from lovers, friends, and anything that cannot remain with us because the new web we are weaving no longer contains the spot they used to fill.
This can be heavy too.
If you are making this type of journey, it can feel much heavier than just burning it to the ground because sometimes our minds need longer to understand that which the heart already knows. I see you. One foot in front of the other, you fucking got this!
The Heaviness of Status Quo
There is always the choice to not make the choice or to make the choices that have been fed to us as the “right” things to do for ourselves:
- Go to college
- Get a great paying job at a fortune 500 company
- Get married (or marry ‘well’)
- Buy a house
- Have kids/adopt kids
- Get a dog
- Get a cat
- Have a hobby
There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things – that is my disclaimer. There isn’t. Those are wonderful things. However, what do you want? What sets your soul on fire? Is it working to make someone else richer, or do you have bigger dreams like starting your own animal rescue? Do you want to get married, or do you want you and your besties to find a 4 bedroom house to share? That soul crushing 8-5 job is awesome to pay the bills, but is that enough for you? If it is, fantastic! Let me ask you this instead:
- If money were no issue, what would you be doing instead right now?
- Would you be looking for ways to help others?
- Would you be a force for chaotic good?
- Would you be raising your voice for the values you have that are in direct opposition to some of the societal forces at play because you can?
The heaviness of this choice usually comes later, but it will be paid in full as well. The looking back over of ones’ life and the realization of dreams that maybe passed us by, opportunities we didn’t take, the fears we held onto, and the things or times we missed with our loved ones trying to keep that status quo alive and making sure we lived up to the expectations placed upon us. It is heavy. BIG HEAVY.
The truth is that this heaviness weighs on all of us differently. We want to have the deep, spirit-led conversations with others about it. Starting the conversations can be difficult and helping each other can be tricky because we aren’t meant to hold the pieces or answers for everyone – but we can be open to speaking and listening to the truths that are brought to the table. Sometimes just creating the table or showing up to the table is all it takes to understanding the heaviness. Maybe it is at this table we find the courage to have the vulnerable conversations and can inspire others. No matter the choices made or the choice you make while standing at the crossroads, I know it is heavy, and I know you got this!
A candle and a key,
Kaycee is also over at Dark Goddess Collective, an upcoming community of Sovereigns being built on a private network to do the deeper work.
Want to see me in person? I am honored, inspired, and full of gratitude in announcing the acceptance of my workshop at Mystic South this year!
Feature Image Credit: Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels